I’m my worst enemy

I love Max Lucado’s writings. They’re so full of love and grace and acceptance and encouragement and… the list of beautiful adjectives that would fit here is endless. Reading those texts just makes me feel like I’m melting in all the love. Today’s devotional is one of the startlingly merciful ones.

“If God can tolerate my mistakes, can’t I tolerate the mistakes of others? If God can overlook my errors, can’t I overlook the errors of others? If God allows me with my foibles and failures to call him Father, shouldn’t I extend that same grace to others?”

The thing is, my problem is not being merciful to others. I find it very hard, if not impossible, being merciful to myself! All fiery passages of the Bible hit home hard and precisely, but with the positive ones I find myself doubting every time: Oh, no, that was said to Israeli people. I’m Finnish! Or: Nah, thatäs for Timothy, or John, or Paul… It never says “Thomasina”.

And while I may succeed in something (like believing Jesus is the Son of God), failing any one of the what-to-do’s or how-to-be’s, mean in my world that I’m a lost case with no hope at all. Thus I hardly dare calling myself a Christian. And I think that’s even one of the reasons I find it so very hard to write my name with a capital letter.

I’ll probably write another post about this at some point.


No green bubbles

Whenever my brain is off (which is often…) I play a bubble game in facebook. It’s something to do without the need of thinking, because I can’t always just sleep. In the game you have a certain amount of bubbles to shoot with and another amount to shoot at. You’re supposed to shoot groups of the same colour bubbles as your bullet bubble is, so that they become a group of three or more and burst away.
Sometimes the game offers special challenges. Like shoot this amount of green bubbles before the time runs out, to win a price. Okay, fair enough – but usually just then I happen to be in the middle of levels where there are either very few bubbles to shoot, or worse, NO green bubbles!!!

I think sometimes being a believer is like facing a challenge of shooting green bubbles but there are no green bubbles available.

Of course, in God’s world nothing is ever missing or lacking. It’s just me being colour blind and not seeing what’s actually right there in front of me. What I don’t understand is, why doesn’t the Great Healer just heal my eyes so that I could see the green again and would be able to function?

Well, God only knows. And at least for now He won’t tell me why.

And to be honest, that really frustrates me.


The Why

The dreadful feeling of an empty blog. To start filling it is soooo scary. What should I write? How? First posts are so stupid.

Besides, when you write the first post, after that there’s supposed to be the second one. If you don’t write the first post, then you don’t need to write the second either. Or the third…

It’s like starting to arrange your things in a new cabinet. Oh scary! What to put where? Tough decisions, with every single item. They’ll probably go all wrong anyway! In the spring I just re-arranged my office space. Bought new cabinets and got a new (a very old, inherited) desk. I managed to put most of my stuff into the cabinets – just to realize that they were all wrong and stupid. Now I can’t make myself fill the desk drawers, because they’re important!

Crazy? Yeah, well, I supposedly suffer from a personality disorder. Didn’t find out until this late in life – in middle age – and I still don’t have a diagnosis. However, that explains perfectly why life has always been so very difficult to me. I can’t manage living a peaceful, relaxed life of in-the-middle. It’s always extremes for me, either or. And that’s exhausting.

So, you might ask, if blogging is so dreadful, why do it? Well, because I think my faith needs it. I’ve blogged more or less over ten years already. Lately less, but I’m trying to resume it. It’s like thinking outloud. My mess of a head can’t manage thinking quietly: Everything goes crazy and nothing gets ready or clearer – on the contrary. But if I (try to) arrange my thoughts into a text, there’s at least some hope. I hope.

When it comes to faith I have so many questions! Since I can’t attend church, I find that if I don’t try to process those questions, or life in Christ in general, I start slipping away. And I don’t want that. So this blog is my very own church. The place to seek Christ and get closer to Him. And stay there.

It’s scary, it’s not easy, most of the time I think it’s not even fun. But I need it.

I need Jesus.