Worry, trust issues and such

Warning: A depressing post ahead!

I’m a worrier. I worry. A lot. I worry about my very sick mom. I worry about my elderly dad giving his everything to take care of mom. I’ve already lived through mom’s funeral, at least a hunred times. As well as my grandmom’s funeral, too. I worry because I still can’t get along with my sister. I worry about my daughter’s health and my own health. Oh, and husband, he’s doing so much and so much is required from him. I worry about our finances, because my tiny pension isn’t enough for anything and we’re facing enormous expences. And Mr Right seems to have it slow at work – and that means no income for us, just when we need it so bad. I worry about fixing our house and living another winter in a caravan (expensive!!!) and wether the house will ever again be healthy enough for me to live in it. I worry about the old dog who’s doing poorly, the summer ending, the birds leaving and the horrible, horrible autumn and winter coming again. And God being distant (or maybe it’s me…) and probably angry and disappointed. I worry about all those things and then some. And even more. And I know it’s oh, so stupid.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? (Matthew 6:25-27)

My friend has a habit of choosing a special word to contemplate on for each year. Last year she was struggling a bit with choosing her word and I suggested the word “trust”. It was my suggestion, because trust is a difficult (understatement!) issue for me and it was on surface for me (again) at the time. However, my friend chose another word for last year, but this year she chose “trust”.

I have had my trust violated sooooo many times that I find myself withdrawing from people more and more all the time. Even with the closest friends (who really aren’t many!) I’m keeping up a wall. I just can’t give my everything because I’m pretty much convinced they’ll ditch me anyway, sooner or later, and I have to be prepared and protect myself. Because that’s what people do. (I started writing something more here, but realized I can’t. It’s way too painful. So I won’t write it.)

A friend wrote the following in her post and I happened to read it before starting to write this post:

points from a charles stanley sermon, that also mark the cornerstones of our faith:

– God controls our circumstances
– God will meet our needs
– God is with us
– God loves us with an eternal love …

what are we worried about?

Timely, huh? But my issue is trust. I’m unable to trust people. They’ve always let me down and alone. I was never enough. And so far the same seems to be true with God. I don’t have much evidence of the opposite. For me, a silent God is not a trustworthy God. Silence makes my trust crumble and causes me to question if God even wants me. Just like with my friends – if there’s a silence, I find myself wondering if I somehow made them angry or if they just don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. And it’s a lot of hard work trying to convince myself about them just being busy or something like that. But when it comes to God, my hard work always goes down the drain; I know the words in the Bible promising love and such for everyone, but simply can’t make them sink into my heart. I know God is everything He’s said to be – but that doesn’t apply for me. I’m not one of the “everyone”. I’m an outsider, like I have been my entire life.

So I can’t be sure if God really has my everything under control. And since my faith is lacking, why would He waste any time with me?

But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. (James 1:6-7)

It’s a dead end. I don’t know where to go from here so I just keep worrying. At least that’s something I’m good at.

-thomasina-

 

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Where to?

I haven’t written much here, but I still do think about this blog a lot. I did think about it seriously before starting it in the first place. But now I’m wondering – since my writing is so very sporadic – if I should’ve left the blog unborn. Yes, I’m very much lost in my faith and not doing so well health- and energywise, but I want to write. I need to write. It’s like my prayer to God, the prayer I’m not good at all otherwise.

Now I’m wondering why the writing is so difficult.

  1. No energy, along with congnitive problems due to brainfog – I’m sure God is bigger than this issue and if my writing is something He wants me to do, He can give me the help I need here.
  2. Difficult to concentrate in the middle of all the distractions and with no place of “my own” (my family are living very tightly at the moment) – this can be beaten with a healthy dose of self-discipline, a headset and hoping that the teen goes early to bed.
  3. Language? No. My native language is Finnish but even though my English isn’t perfect, it’s very easy for me to write. I don’t really even need a dictionary but very rarely. Since I started blogging years ago I’ve always written in English.
  4. I have no blogging community... yes, I miss this. It’s a great addition in writing, to encourage, inspire and even teach. Back in the day there were several blogs I used to follow, those people read my blog and they became like friends. Then, I think Facebook happened. Or something. One by one my fellow bloggers disappeared. So did I. I’m glad at least a couple of those people are now in my Facebook friends list.

That’s to name a few. So now I’m thinking to see if this blog hits off properly or not. I’m trying to read other blogs to get inspired. And also, I’ll consider if I should, after all, start writing in Finnish. Bi-lingual blogwould be too much work. In Finnish there aren’t many Christian blogs online, so maybe one more would be needed? Or not. But the possible blogging community would be even more limited. And to be fair – there are certain aspects in Finnish online Christianity that I do not wish to be faced with.

I’m praying that God will show me my place and the right venue. Soon. I don’t know if it’s this blog or not. We’ll see.

-thomasina-

 

Piano

I’m giving my piano away. And it’s hard – I don’t want to. But for certain reasons I really don’t have any reasonable options. I’ve been postponing this for a long time and now the time is up.

I don’t really know how to even play the piano. For me it’s a tool I’ve used when writing songs. And having to give it up feels a bit like a final death after a very long coma of not being able to write – or play, or sing – anything.

I’ll still have my flute. And my guitar. But for some reason they don’t replace the piano, even though I’m much better at playing them.

Having to give the piano away feels like God finally giving up on me. I know that’s silly and not true but that’s how I feel.

My only consolation, although a very slim one, is that it goes to a very good home where it can serve God much better than in my living room gathering dust and dog hair.

-thomasina-

When life stands still

Wow it’s been a long while since my last post. Actually I have drafted a couple of posts but never finished them. Where I’m living now is far from favourable for creative things, also, my energy levels have been severely off for a while now. Anyway, today something stirred up some feelings I want to vent here.

WAIT.

I think that’s probably one of the words God uses most. Moses had to wait 40 years. Jonah waited three days in the belly of the whale. Paul waited in the prison. Jesus himself fasted for 40 days in the desert. But still, I don’t understand this waiting thing at all.

In Matthew 9:37-38 it says:

Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.

Since He’s so short of workers anyway, how can He afford to put so many valuable workers aside, to just WAIT? For years and years on in some cases.

I’ve been more or less waiting for Him for over 30 years now. Yes I hate it and it makes me doubt things even more. But at the same time I kind of understand it, because I can’t really be productive in God’s work if I don’t have my facts straight. Then again – how difficult would it be to the Almighty God to give me the answers like He did to Thomas? But no, He chooses not to. For some reason, and maybe some day I’ll find out what that was. Or not.

BUT. What caused me to write this post was a phone call with an old, dear friend. He truly loves God, would love nothing more than to serve Him with what ever he’s been given by God (and that is a lot!) but instead he’s been set aside and kind of alone in a very difficult life situation. For at least a decade now. He’s like a prisoner in his own home, not by choice but circumstances. And God just won’t set him free. It hurt me to the core to hear the sorrow and yearning in his voice. And to realise that he believes that other Christians don’t want to hear of him until he’s able to pitch in again. Oh cry!

Sometimes it just takes all I have and then some to remind myself that God knows better and that He’s not unfair, no matter how badly it seems that He is mistaken and mean.

I’m just so horribly tired.

-thomasina-

 

 

Advent

(Writing this on the first Advent day, but timing it to post on Monday because I posted another piece today.)

“Advent is a season observed in many Christian churches as a time of expectant waiting and preparation for the celebration of the Nativity of Jesus at Christmas.”
(widipedia)

I don’t like Christmas. Or Easter. Or other Christian celebrations. But these two are the worst and I’d be very happy to hibernate through them – and all of the Christmas “hype” they’re starting earlier and earlier every year.

The mundane Christmas hysteria is exhausting. I get a rash from the music that’s filling every place and sticking to my brain, no matter how hard I try to ignore it. My eyes hurt from all the bling and trash they’re trying to sell from every possible hole. My brain and body are paralyzing from the pressure of “musts” and “shoulds” and “needs” the hysteria is pouring on all poor shoulders. But it’s not just that why I hate Christmas.

I think the Church is quite as guilty of pressuring people with Christmas as are the marketing forces. It’s just a little different kind of pressure.

Have you ever heard someone say: “What? You’re not going to the Christmas service? That’s not right, after all, it’s our Saviour’s birthday!” Or: “Whaaat??? It’s Good Friday/Easter day, it’s the most important holiday of Christianity! Of course you must go to the church!!!

Yep. I think that’s sad and wrong. Me not going to those services does not mean I don’t appreciate Christ’s work. To me it does not make those holidays any less important. Those services just highlight the reason I don’t like going to church: Ritual.

Church makes me feel empty, sad and frustrated. And a failure as a Christian. It’s probably my own fault, comparing myself to other people in what may not even be true. But seeing people there, some of them almost in some kind of ecstasy, not feeling anything myself, makes me feel even more far away from God. Or listening to the horror stories and the sermon telling how Jesus was crushed because our sins and thus we should feel sooooooooooo bad – and then for days on I feel endlessly guilty because I don’t feel bad enough for my sins.

I think I’m better off not going there. Just trying to find God in my everyday. In my own way, without rituals and not the way other people do it or have done it for centuries.

But then I meet a fellow church member at the store and find out she pretty much thinks I’ve given up God totally. Or get a comment from my not-at-all-talkative hubby – saying between the lines that he thinks I’ve gone astray. Etc. It’s rough, tough and very discouraging.

I’m not attending the first advent day service or christmas service this year either. And that does not mean I love Jesus any less.

-thomasina-