Worry, trust issues and such

Warning: A depressing post ahead!

I’m a worrier. I worry. A lot. I worry about my very sick mom. I worry about my elderly dad giving his everything to take care of mom. I’ve already lived through mom’s funeral, at least a hunred times. As well as my grandmom’s funeral, too. I worry because I still can’t get along with my sister. I worry about my daughter’s health and my own health. Oh, and husband, he’s doing so much and so much is required from him. I worry about our finances, because my tiny pension isn’t enough for anything and we’re facing enormous expences. And Mr Right seems to have it slow at work – and that means no income for us, just when we need it so bad. I worry about fixing our house and living another winter in a caravan (expensive!!!) and wether the house will ever again be healthy enough for me to live in it. I worry about the old dog who’s doing poorly, the summer ending, the birds leaving and the horrible, horrible autumn and winter coming again. And God being distant (or maybe it’s me…) and probably angry and disappointed. I worry about all those things and then some. And even more. And I know it’s oh, so stupid.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? (Matthew 6:25-27)

My friend has a habit of choosing a special word to contemplate on for each year. Last year she was struggling a bit with choosing her word and I suggested the word “trust”. It was my suggestion, because trust is a difficult (understatement!) issue for me and it was on surface for me (again) at the time. However, my friend chose another word for last year, but this year she chose “trust”.

I have had my trust violated sooooo many times that I find myself withdrawing from people more and more all the time. Even with the closest friends (who really aren’t many!) I’m keeping up a wall. I just can’t give my everything because I’m pretty much convinced they’ll ditch me anyway, sooner or later, and I have to be prepared and protect myself. Because that’s what people do. (I started writing something more here, but realized I can’t. It’s way too painful. So I won’t write it.)

A friend wrote the following in her post and I happened to read it before starting to write this post:

points from a charles stanley sermon, that also mark the cornerstones of our faith:

– God controls our circumstances
– God will meet our needs
– God is with us
– God loves us with an eternal love …

what are we worried about?

Timely, huh? But my issue is trust. I’m unable to trust people. They’ve always let me down and alone. I was never enough. And so far the same seems to be true with God. I don’t have much evidence of the opposite. For me, a silent God is not a trustworthy God. Silence makes my trust crumble and causes me to question if God even wants me. Just like with my friends – if there’s a silence, I find myself wondering if I somehow made them angry or if they just don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. And it’s a lot of hard work trying to convince myself about them just being busy or something like that. But when it comes to God, my hard work always goes down the drain; I know the words in the Bible promising love and such for everyone, but simply can’t make them sink into my heart. I know God is everything He’s said to be – but that doesn’t apply for me. I’m not one of the “everyone”. I’m an outsider, like I have been my entire life.

So I can’t be sure if God really has my everything under control. And since my faith is lacking, why would He waste any time with me?

But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. (James 1:6-7)

It’s a dead end. I don’t know where to go from here so I just keep worrying. At least that’s something I’m good at.

-thomasina-

 

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