The eternity

How would you feel if your mom was about to die and you knew she wasn’t saved? How could you live with the fact after she’s gone? To think of her in the eternal agony?

Once I knew a young girl who refused to believe in God. She had one very heavy reason for that: She had lost her boyfriend via an accident and just could not think of him being in hell. At the time I felt that I understood her but didn’t really consider her reason valid. Because God is just and it is what it is and there’s no point for her going down there, too. But now… I think I need to think it over again.

I did talk to mom about God once. BAD mistake. She really made me regret that. And also made me pay for it again years later. So now that I’m anything but sure where I stand with God myself, there’s no way I can do that again – that is, unless God performs a serious miracle on that one. But, you know, a blind leading a blind and stuff.

However dysfunctional my relationship with mom is, she’s still my mom. And we’ve had some good times, too. But now her time is pretty much over. She may have days, maybe weeks, but I don’t think she’ll make it months anymore.

I’ve prayed to God to save her. I’ve asked God not to lose her no matter what and let me know where she’ll end up. Because I don’t think I could survive knowing she wasn’t saved. Or being unsure of that. Life is hard as it is, I don’t need that burden on top of everything.

And, I think God losing mom would be the final end of my life as a believer. But – I can’t just un-believe stuff that I know, so I suppose life would be pretty much impossible then. I don’t know. And I don’t want to find out what it would be like, either.

-thomasina-

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